What Now?

My mood has changed very fast. I went from feeling better than I have in a long time to teetering on the brink of depression.  I had a treatment on Friday then went on a vacation (camping). Now I'm home and feeling down. I had group yesterday and felt like crying through half of it for no apparent reason.  I also had a headache all day. Now today I'm terrified that the phone will ring (this is a problem I have from time to time) and my head aches again.

I'm scared that the old Wicked Witch will rear her ugly head again. I'm sure that part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been able to exercise the past few days. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

I just feel cut off from things-- I really can't describe it. After feeling so good for quite a few weeks, I don't know where to turn with these uncomfortable feelings. I'm trying to use the tools that I am learning from group-- breathing and using my senses to distract from these rotten feelings.

Part of my issues has to do with the way my family has been relating to me lately. My children have said things to me numerous times about the fact that I don't work. Daddy makes the money, Mommy doesn't earn anything. I applied for a job and Ryan said, "You would get your life back." I asked him if he thought I didn't have a life. Of course he backtracked, but the damage was done. I feel like my family doesn't think I'm worth much of anything and maybe they're right.

I so wish that this blog would make some money. That I could make it more interesting and popular somehow. I'm reading the book, Julie & Julia, by Julie Powell. This woman made a blog out of her project to cook every recipe out of Julia Child's Mastering the Art of  French Cooking. This blog became a book and then a movie.  I don't expect that much achievement, but I wish I could think of a way to make my blog more popular. I guess these things just happen and all I can do is hope.

I really just want people to understand Bipolar Disorder better and to know they are not alone.