What Now?

My mood has changed very fast. I went from feeling better than I have in a long time to teetering on the brink of depression.  I had a treatment on Friday then went on a vacation (camping). Now I'm home and feeling down. I had group yesterday and felt like crying through half of it for no apparent reason.  I also had a headache all day. Now today I'm terrified that the phone will ring (this is a problem I have from time to time) and my head aches again.

I'm scared that the old Wicked Witch will rear her ugly head again. I'm sure that part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been able to exercise the past few days. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

I just feel cut off from things-- I really can't describe it. After feeling so good for quite a few weeks, I don't know where to turn with these uncomfortable feelings. I'm trying to use the tools that I am learning from group-- breathing and using my senses to distract from these rotten feelings.

Part of my issues has to do with the way my family has been relating to me lately. My children have said things to me numerous times about the fact that I don't work. Daddy makes the money, Mommy doesn't earn anything. I applied for a job and Ryan said, "You would get your life back." I asked him if he thought I didn't have a life. Of course he backtracked, but the damage was done. I feel like my family doesn't think I'm worth much of anything and maybe they're right.

I so wish that this blog would make some money. That I could make it more interesting and popular somehow. I'm reading the book, Julie & Julia, by Julie Powell. This woman made a blog out of her project to cook every recipe out of Julia Child's Mastering the Art of  French Cooking. This blog became a book and then a movie.  I don't expect that much achievement, but I wish I could think of a way to make my blog more popular. I guess these things just happen and all I can do is hope.

I really just want people to understand Bipolar Disorder better and to know they are not alone.

I went to group yesterday and we made a collaborative collage as a mindfulness activity. I felt okay when I went there, but as I was driving home I started to feel grumpy and upset...I thought about having my treatment Fri. and I obsessed over snapping at my girls before school. I was hungry too so I stopped at Walmart to get something to eat at Dunkin Donuts (multigrain bagel with lowfat cream cheese) and I felt a little better.

It's hard to be mindful when we've run out of water in our house (5 days so far) and it's almost 100 degrees. We are supposed to go camping this weekend and I have a treatment on Friday. Where is the JOY? We've been learning about distress tolerance in group and using certain skills to distract us from our stress. We had to use at least one skill a day for a week. It did help a bit to refocus my mind onto something like TV or reading or to hold some ice (a shock to the senses). The trick is to get yourself to do it. You have to ask yourself-- how important is it to feel better? I need to keep asking myself that.

It always makes me feel better to find/talk about something that I'm interested in. I heard about this great book on the TODAY show that is about a woman who loses her job and spends about a year at home addicted to reality TV shows. It sounds awesome, especially since I am enthralled with two particular reality shows-- WIFE SWAP and TRADING SPOUSES. If you haven't watched these shows, they are about women who change places with each other and find out how it is to be the wife/mother in a new family. It is so interesting to see these people living in a family that is basically the opposite of her own. So, anyway, I plan to read this new book:

Maybe you should read it too and tell me what you think...

I've Been Thinking...

So, it's been a while and there are a lot of reasons why I haven't been here.  Since my last post I was in the hospital and since I've been home I haven't wanted to think about my illness any more than I need to. I'm forced to think about it often, though, because I am having frequent ECT treatments. I really debated sharing about my treatments on this website because I didn't want too many people knowing about them . However, in the last few days I have realized that sharing my experiences might help people better understand ECT.

There seem to be many preconceived ideas about ECT treatments and the people who get them. It was hard for me at first, too, because the people I usually see at the hospital are old and senile-- not young and coherent like I am. However, once and a while I will see a patient who is similar to me and I try to concentrate on them.

I will tell you what the usual experience is like for me. I get to the hospital fairly early in the morning-- I am now going every other week. I am shown into a special section of the surgery and the nurses give me a warm blanket as I arrive at my bed.  The nurses are very sweet and non-judgemental. A nurse will set up my IV once I am settled in. I am given a quiz so that they can make sure I'm not loosing too much memory. Soon after the quiz, I am wheeled into the operation room. The anesthesiologist speaks to me for a second to make sure he has the correct medication for me. After this, I am given the oxygen and the anesthesiologist gives me my medication through the IV. I fall asleep. According to the doctor, the actual treatment lasts about 2 minutes. In total, I am asleep for about 10 minutes. I wake up and my first thought is, 'when am I going to fall asleep?'... Then I realize that the whole thing is over. My husband comes to get me and the nurse helps me to a wheel chair-- I'm a bit dizzy. I'm wheeled to my car and my husband drives home. For the rest of the day I lay down because I'm headachy and a little dizzy. By nighttime, I feel much better and I next day I'm back to normal. I do experience a bit of memory loss, but it isn't significant.

Overall, this is not a scary event. I don't feel a thing and I only have to rest for one day. The thing about these ECT treatments is that they work and I really haven't felt this good in a very long time. I'm rational and happy in my everyday life and I don't regret having them. My message is that if your doctor suggests ECT treatments, don't immediately run the other way... they might work for you the way they do for me.

I will be giving updates on my treatments and other aspects of my life from now on. I'll also offer information about emotional wellness and life in general. Remember to take moments for mindfulness-- take time for yourself!

First, I would like to give you a chance to practice mindfulness. There is this great website that has free streaming radio and you can listen to any kind of music you like. It's called Pandora. Get in a quiet place and play some soothing music for about 5-10 minutes.

Today I'm doing some research about bipolar disorder and nutrition. I just found some interesting information on a website about a holistic approach to treating the disease. They say:

"Has anyone from the medical profession looked at the effects of diet and nutrition on individuals with manic depressive disorder? The answer is that some have. Dr. James F. Balch and Phyllis A. Balch, summarize this research and provide diet and vitamin and supplement information for manic depressives. Among other recommendations, they suggest a diet free of sugar, dairy products, alcohol, soda and caffeine. Whole grains, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, beans, and legumes are encouraged."

 This sounds daunting to me...how will I wake up without my coffee in the morning? (I could hardly write that)

I knew that my diet was probably effecting me, but I didn't realize how much. One thing I liked about this website--even though it concentrates on holistic approaches--it doesn't advise using no meds. I know that meds are a must for most of us. Sometimes I have a hard time with that concept and I want to just stop taking them because I still feel bad, but then I wonder how much worse things might get.

At another helpful website is  called Organized Wisdom. They give the top sites that discuss nutrition and bipolar disorder. I like the website Food for the Brain. There is a lot of interesting information at that website for mental health and food in general.

SO, that is my discussion about how food effects bipolar disorder.

As far as I go, the past few days have been kind of painful. I know that it has to do with PMS and now I realize I should have visited my Red Tent.  I have been so depressed that even going into my red tent didn't sound appealing. Nothing did. This makes me really scared for the future. Is it going to be like this (or worse) every month? And even when PMS comes to an end I don't feel too peppy.

I just started taking Wellbutrin (sp?) a few weeks ago in the hospital and it doesn't seem to be working. I just feel like no matter where I am, I can't be or feel happy. I tell my therapist and Psychiatrist this and they don't seem to think it's a big problem given my history. They're just scared that I'll have another manic episode. Sometimes I wish I would feel manic-- maybe I'd be more happy. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree.

I just wish this would all end. Maybe I need some mindfulness.

It's been a while

I know I've been gone since Jan. 11th, but I have a good excuse. It's February and I have been in the hospital twice. I guess I haven't been able to use my skills from DBT very well-- you know, mindfulness and other skills I will discuss later.

My problem now is depression. I have been deep down in it and trying to fight it this past month. The weather doesn't help (a seasonal thing) and I have been confined to my four walls for so long that I can't stand it any more.

You saw a better me when I was taking belly dancing lessons and when I talked about my "red tent," but this month I let all that go. I hibernated and didn't sign up for any classes or write here or visit my red tent. Then I went to visit my mother and the wicked witch reared her head once more.

First let me talk about my hopitalizations. Since my major problem was depression, I was given an antidepressant (which they are very careful about for someone who is bipolar). They also gave me something for the visions I was having of that same man (did I talk about him?) who shows himself sometimes. I'm back home now and it's my plan to keep up with this blog more-- is daily too ambitious? I decided to write here today because I had to visit crisis yesterday with more feelings of deep depression. My husband stayed home today to "keep an eye on me"...

I've decided I don't want to die. It would be too much for my family. I just  want to be able to live this life without so much pain.

Happy News

British 7-Yr-Old Boy Paints Like Old Master

I'm looking for "happy news" and I found this on the net while surfing around. Can you believe the talent this 7-year-old boy has? We need to keep in mind that anything is possible.

A New Year-- A New Approach

Since I started DBT, I have realized that dwelling on the "illness" side of my personality is not exactly healthy. So I have decided to write about things that I am interested in-- things that you may find interesting and things that are healing to the soul. I want to suggest books to read, blogs and websites to check out and thoughts to ponder.

Lately, I've been branching out into the "public sector" and trying to find a job. I'm on a substitute teaching list and I just interviewed for a Literacy Ed Tech position yesterday. I'm crossing my fingers for that one. Any positive thoughts or prayers you can give me would be greatly appreciated. If it doesn't work out, I hope to have the will to keep plugging along applying for other positions. My problem is that it's been so long since I've worked. I haven't kept up with the latest jargon or anything. I hope they can see through that to my willingness to learn. We'll see.

For my first "mindfulness" exercise for you all, I suggest going out and blowing some bubbles, drawing with crayons (that smell!) or playing with playdoh-- do something that you did in your childhood!  It will soothe you, trust me.  This is some thing I did in one of my DBT sessions and I loved it.

Enjoy,

Jen