It's been a while

I know I've been gone since Jan. 11th, but I have a good excuse. It's February and I have been in the hospital twice. I guess I haven't been able to use my skills from DBT very well-- you know, mindfulness and other skills I will discuss later.

My problem now is depression. I have been deep down in it and trying to fight it this past month. The weather doesn't help (a seasonal thing) and I have been confined to my four walls for so long that I can't stand it any more.

You saw a better me when I was taking belly dancing lessons and when I talked about my "red tent," but this month I let all that go. I hibernated and didn't sign up for any classes or write here or visit my red tent. Then I went to visit my mother and the wicked witch reared her head once more.

First let me talk about my hopitalizations. Since my major problem was depression, I was given an antidepressant (which they are very careful about for someone who is bipolar). They also gave me something for the visions I was having of that same man (did I talk about him?) who shows himself sometimes. I'm back home now and it's my plan to keep up with this blog more-- is daily too ambitious? I decided to write here today because I had to visit crisis yesterday with more feelings of deep depression. My husband stayed home today to "keep an eye on me"...

I've decided I don't want to die. It would be too much for my family. I just  want to be able to live this life without so much pain.