What Does it All Mean?

I'm beginning to realize that it's not about the shoes and it's not about the journey that Dorothy took in them. It's all about reality... you can't get away from it no matter how hard you try and there are doubts and obstacles in the way no matter what you do. I have tried everything and it has always come down to me and how I deal with reality. Let me just say-- I don't seem to deal with it very well. If things don't go the way I want them to, I feel like crying and I get depressed. Since I can't really control anything, that makes life kind of hard. I look to other people in my life to get me out of this... to make me feel better... to save me from myself. They inevitably let me down because that's not exactly a reasonable expectation. But how am I supposed to do this myself? How am I supposed to remain happy in the face of disappointment and fear of the unknown?

The question is, does mental illness really exist, or is it just a result of a person's way to deal with life? Does the medication help or is it just a daily reminder of my problems? Lately I just feel like giving up most of the time. I get myself to a place where I'm doing well then one thing can happen and I'll be back down in this dark hole again. Am I controlling that? It's hard for me to believe that I am. Maybe I'm a control freak and when things go awry I freak out and don't know what to do with myself or my feelings. At this moment, I just want to disappear. I feel like I have no control over my life and I want to do something that gives me the feeling of control. In the past, I would have taken an overdose, thrown a fit or done something of that nature. Now I'm just at a loss for what to do. I don't want to go to the hospital and have my stomach pumped. I don't want to get in a shouting match with my husband. I don't want to put my girls through another one of my "episodes". So what do I do? How do I take control? I think the lack of control comes from relying on my husband for just about everything and having no real social life outside of my own home. I'm going to school, but that is not really a matter of control-- it's more of a distraction.

So, what does it all mean? I think Dorothy realized that fantasy and reality aren't that different from one another. There are always obstacles. What does that mean for me? I guess I just have to find a way to deal with it. No matter what people try to do to help me, I end up feeling this way. I thought that once I got out of my parent's house, I would be free, but that's not the case. It's all inside of me and no one can change me.

Jen