First, I would like to give you a chance to practice mindfulness. There is this great website that has free streaming radio and you can listen to any kind of music you like. It's called Pandora. Get in a quiet place and play some soothing music for about 5-10 minutes.

Today I'm doing some research about bipolar disorder and nutrition. I just found some interesting information on a website about a holistic approach to treating the disease. They say:

"Has anyone from the medical profession looked at the effects of diet and nutrition on individuals with manic depressive disorder? The answer is that some have. Dr. James F. Balch and Phyllis A. Balch, summarize this research and provide diet and vitamin and supplement information for manic depressives. Among other recommendations, they suggest a diet free of sugar, dairy products, alcohol, soda and caffeine. Whole grains, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, beans, and legumes are encouraged."

 This sounds daunting to me...how will I wake up without my coffee in the morning? (I could hardly write that)

I knew that my diet was probably effecting me, but I didn't realize how much. One thing I liked about this website--even though it concentrates on holistic approaches--it doesn't advise using no meds. I know that meds are a must for most of us. Sometimes I have a hard time with that concept and I want to just stop taking them because I still feel bad, but then I wonder how much worse things might get.

At another helpful website is  called Organized Wisdom. They give the top sites that discuss nutrition and bipolar disorder. I like the website Food for the Brain. There is a lot of interesting information at that website for mental health and food in general.

SO, that is my discussion about how food effects bipolar disorder.

As far as I go, the past few days have been kind of painful. I know that it has to do with PMS and now I realize I should have visited my Red Tent.  I have been so depressed that even going into my red tent didn't sound appealing. Nothing did. This makes me really scared for the future. Is it going to be like this (or worse) every month? And even when PMS comes to an end I don't feel too peppy.

I just started taking Wellbutrin (sp?) a few weeks ago in the hospital and it doesn't seem to be working. I just feel like no matter where I am, I can't be or feel happy. I tell my therapist and Psychiatrist this and they don't seem to think it's a big problem given my history. They're just scared that I'll have another manic episode. Sometimes I wish I would feel manic-- maybe I'd be more happy. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree.

I just wish this would all end. Maybe I need some mindfulness.

It's been a while

I know I've been gone since Jan. 11th, but I have a good excuse. It's February and I have been in the hospital twice. I guess I haven't been able to use my skills from DBT very well-- you know, mindfulness and other skills I will discuss later.

My problem now is depression. I have been deep down in it and trying to fight it this past month. The weather doesn't help (a seasonal thing) and I have been confined to my four walls for so long that I can't stand it any more.

You saw a better me when I was taking belly dancing lessons and when I talked about my "red tent," but this month I let all that go. I hibernated and didn't sign up for any classes or write here or visit my red tent. Then I went to visit my mother and the wicked witch reared her head once more.

First let me talk about my hopitalizations. Since my major problem was depression, I was given an antidepressant (which they are very careful about for someone who is bipolar). They also gave me something for the visions I was having of that same man (did I talk about him?) who shows himself sometimes. I'm back home now and it's my plan to keep up with this blog more-- is daily too ambitious? I decided to write here today because I had to visit crisis yesterday with more feelings of deep depression. My husband stayed home today to "keep an eye on me"...

I've decided I don't want to die. It would be too much for my family. I just  want to be able to live this life without so much pain.