So, how was belly dancing?

Well, I did it and belly dancing was great! The other women there were pretty much just like me and I really had nothing to be scared about. I brought a pretty scarf of Kayla's with me, but then this week I went out and bought an authentic belly dancing scarf complete with jingles. Watch out people!

I'm feeling much better now overall and, as I said before, the red tent idea really helped me during that hard time. I would still suggest it to anyone.

I would also suggest taking a belly dancing class!

Namaste

Jen

Dancing my cares away

You may not believe it, but I have signed up for belly dancing lessons. This was done as a way to search myself and do something that bring out a more happy-go-lucky side out. SO tonight is the first class and I'll report back soon to talk about how it went. My therapist thought it was a good idea and she was actually proud of me.

There are other things I would like to try, but this is no. 1

Jen

The Red Tent-- An Interpretation

I am knee-deep in the DBT therapy, which is working great and I would suggest (shout) to anyone with a personality disorder to please check this out. While the DBT is working, I am still at odds with myself during a certain time of the month...PMS...and since I have been tracking it, I realize that my hormones have a huge impact on my mental state. I am in the throws of it right now.

I was at my wit's end on Tuesday, walking my dog, and then it hit me like lightening. The Red Tent (by Anita Diamant). This is a book that every woman should read, based on Genesis and the character Rachel. The premise of the book, though, is that during the womens monthly cycle, they would stay together in a Red Tent. In this tent the women were able to get away from usual duties and life and just BE a WOMAN.

So, I decided that I needed my own red tent. I'm lucky because I happen to have an old Day Care building on my property (one of my failed business ventures) and I am using it for a red tent of sorts during my worse days of PMS. My wonderful husband is very understanding and he doesn't mind if I stay in here a couple of nights while he takes care of things. Actually, he likes the "red tent" idea.

I have set up a space for my bed with red sheets and spiritual pictures/figurines. There is a table covered with a black lace veil and an incense burner. There is a table on which I can do "mindfulness" activities, such as putting a puzzle together or coloring a mendala. I can also watch the movies I like to watch and I indulge myself with some yummy treat.

Any woman can do this and you don't need an entire building. Whether you have an extra room, part of a basement that could be fixed up, or just part of your bedroom that you could personalize, making a red tent is something you could do for yourself. If it's in your bedroom, I suggest kicking your significant other out for the night. Light some candles, take a bubble bath, meditate...do anything and everything you need to just get you through those few hard days.

I'm so excited about my idea that I have decided to collect things for my red tent-- one or two things a month. This will be a fun hobby for me and I'll always be on the hunt! I hope someone reads this and gets as excited and relieved as I am now.

DBT Therapy

Since my last post, I sank into a depression once again and I think that I just kind of shut down once the girls were out of school and the fear set in. I am so scared that I will be a bad parent and that my illness will hinder my relationship with the girls that I get totally overwhelmed.

After speaking with my psychiatrist and my counselor, I realized that the best route for me to take is DBT therapy. This means that I changed my therapist and I will be seeing her once a week. In August, I will start the group work which will be two hours once a week. So, that is a total of three hours a week in therapy! If that doesn't work, I don't really know what to do.

I'm going to share some websites with you about DBT and maybe a few forums and such once I've done the research.

Oh-- before I go, I'd like to explain how I connect this website with certain aspects of the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale goes from a life that she thinks is boring and unfair to this fantasy land that seems to have so much to offer. After an exciting adventure, Dorothy finds out that she always had everything she needed at home and the power to get that all back was with her the whole time. I also have a connection with the field of poppies, because, like me they are frail and yet they have a dark side. I'm not sure if I've always been this way, but I know that these two parts of me have existed since adolescence.

Check back soon for updates.

Jen

Overcoming Resistance to Change

I realize from the last meeting with my counselor that I need to find some methods for overcoming resistance to change. Let me back up a little so that you'll understand. I think that a lot of my troubles come from the rut I've gotten in -- thinking that I am "bipolar" and "depressed" and forgetting that I could change. From moment to moment my feelings and personal truth could change. Depression and bipolar are not all that I am... I am a mother, a wife, a woman, a student (now), an animal lover, a book lover, a writer...and many other things. I guess my point is that all I have been concentrating on are the mental illness parts of my life and not the parts of my life that could bring me the happiness I so desire. It has taken me a lot of hard work and time to even realize that I was resistant to change, or even that I needed to change, but thanks to my counselor and some of my own soul searching, I have actually come up with a few methods of overcoming resistance to change.

• Meditation (for even a short time) at least three times a week. Check out Guided Meditation Practices for the Mindful Way Through Depression-- a great CD.
• Creating a support group of at least three or four people that you can trust and go to in times of need-- even just a quick email helps.
• Read books like Chicken Soup for the Soul-- even if you think they are dorky-- with your morning coffee to get off to a good start.
• Try to remember and make a list of things that used to interest you and somehow bring them back into your life.
• No matter what happens, just remember to breathe and remember that the next moment could be totally different.

I hope these few suggestions will help if you are having difficulty overcoming resistance to change. I know they are helping me.

Positive vibes,

Jen

What Does it All Mean?

I'm beginning to realize that it's not about the shoes and it's not about the journey that Dorothy took in them. It's all about reality... you can't get away from it no matter how hard you try and there are doubts and obstacles in the way no matter what you do. I have tried everything and it has always come down to me and how I deal with reality. Let me just say-- I don't seem to deal with it very well. If things don't go the way I want them to, I feel like crying and I get depressed. Since I can't really control anything, that makes life kind of hard. I look to other people in my life to get me out of this... to make me feel better... to save me from myself. They inevitably let me down because that's not exactly a reasonable expectation. But how am I supposed to do this myself? How am I supposed to remain happy in the face of disappointment and fear of the unknown?

The question is, does mental illness really exist, or is it just a result of a person's way to deal with life? Does the medication help or is it just a daily reminder of my problems? Lately I just feel like giving up most of the time. I get myself to a place where I'm doing well then one thing can happen and I'll be back down in this dark hole again. Am I controlling that? It's hard for me to believe that I am. Maybe I'm a control freak and when things go awry I freak out and don't know what to do with myself or my feelings. At this moment, I just want to disappear. I feel like I have no control over my life and I want to do something that gives me the feeling of control. In the past, I would have taken an overdose, thrown a fit or done something of that nature. Now I'm just at a loss for what to do. I don't want to go to the hospital and have my stomach pumped. I don't want to get in a shouting match with my husband. I don't want to put my girls through another one of my "episodes". So what do I do? How do I take control? I think the lack of control comes from relying on my husband for just about everything and having no real social life outside of my own home. I'm going to school, but that is not really a matter of control-- it's more of a distraction.

So, what does it all mean? I think Dorothy realized that fantasy and reality aren't that different from one another. There are always obstacles. What does that mean for me? I guess I just have to find a way to deal with it. No matter what people try to do to help me, I end up feeling this way. I thought that once I got out of my parent's house, I would be free, but that's not the case. It's all inside of me and no one can change me.

Jen

Back After Surviving Depression

Wow, you wouldn't believe what I've been through in the past three months...I don't know if you could see my gradual fall into depression, but once I fell, that was it. I went to my counselor one day feeling suicidal and after telling her my thoughts, she rushed me into her car and drove me to the nearest hospital. As you can see, I have survived this bout with depression, but so much has gone into my recovery. As you know, bipolar disorder has an up and down cycle and I was just headed to that down after my psychotic episode. I was two terms into my program when this depressive episode occurred and I had to go to a mental hospital for two weeks.

My doctors there came to the conclusion that I needed electroconvulsive shock therapy and I have been having the ECT treatments for about two months now. Between that and a change in my meds, I feel as if my life is totally turning around and I am finally finding that balance I have never had. That ol' Wicked Witch can't get my ruby slippers-- I know that now. I am back in school and I'm happy.

All of these experiences have really taught me how to survive a depression and how to deal with bipolar disorder in general. Many positive things have come into my life, like the book and DVD The Secret, a new perspective on life in general, and a desire to share my knowledge with others.
First, I would suggest taking a Bipolar quiz to see if you suffer from this disorder:

Bipolar Quiz-- keep track of the following symptoms that you have experienced:

• Abnormal or excessive elation-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Unusual irritability
• Decreased need for sleep
• Grandiose notions-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Increased talking
• Racing thoughts
• Increased sexual desire
• Markedly increased energy
• Poor judgement
• Inappropriate social behavior
• Undue mood swings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Recless spending of money
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• At least one episode of depression (required)
  

To obtain the results of this bipolar quiz, count the number of symptoms that you have experienced. You must have experienced at least ten of these symptoms (along with at least one episode of depression) to conclude that you may indeed suffer from bipolar disorder, or, manic depression. If you do come to this conclusion, please contact a psychiatrist and set up an appointment as soon as possible.

I'd like to address the issue of how to survive a depression now...

When you experience an episode of depression, life is bleak you really don't want to survive...you want to die. Deep down, your focus is on the bad, sad, dark parts of life and with this focus, it is impossible to pull yourself out of depression. My advise is to start small. I'm not asking for miracles. I know what it's like-- I've been through it a number of times-- it's not something you can just find a magic cure for. So, start small. Here are some suggestions:

Write down one thing you're grateful for.

• Find a picture of something you really want.
• Look at some old photographs of better times.
• Buy a cup of flavored coffee or tea.
• Rent a funny movie.
• Go to a place like the mall, sit down and just watch people.
• Call a friend.
• Drive to a really nice place, like the ocean, sit in your car and just look at the view.
• Listen to your favorite song.
• Go to an animal shelter and spend some time with the animals.
• Take a walk.

Just pick one of my suggestions as a starting point. At the same time, make sure that you are seeing a counselor/psychiatrist and that your loved ones know that your having a hard time. Don't allow yourself to go through depression alone.

All The Best,

Jen

Off to see the Wizard

If this school thing works out, then I guess it's almost my time to face the wizard. I feel as if I already faced him once as I went through the mania and depression. He asked me to fetch the wicked witch's broom stick and with the help of my family, I have made the effort. Maybe I should look at it as if my work for becoming a medical assistant is the quest for the wicked witch's broom stick. Once I pass all of these classes and do my practice work in out in the medical field, I will defeat the witch and have the broom stick in hand. This is a long, hard road. I have those flying monkeys to look forward to and the guards-- who I thought were the most scary part of the movie. But even they were not loyal to the wicked witch. They wanted good to prevail.

I can't tell you how scared I am. There are tests every day in these classes and I'm terrified to fail. I feel like failing this would be failing life. I'm just at the point in my life where I've had my kids, raised them (and that was my focus), and now I'm out on the other end needing to reinvent myself.

The bipolar part of myself wants to run away and start fresh with no ties and nothing to hold me back. I want to stop my meds and get back to that woman who felt larger than life, who could do anything, who did so much and had so much energy. Who was 20 pounds lighter. Why did she have to go away...this disease is cruel. This disease is the wicked witch herself and I want to melt her down to the ground.


To a New Life,

Jen

Emerald City?

I chose door number 2... I have started classes at Seacoast career school and I'm studying to be a medical assistant. I have just finished my second week and I'm already feeling those qualms. Is this what I should be doing? Is it me? My background is in liberal arts. I have a Master's degree in Education. Now I'm going to a trade school. I'm not saying that it's not good enough for me, it's just really different. The classes are hard for me. Memorizing medical terms and learning how to take vital signs. This is all a foreign land.

Right now I'm learning about the nervous system and reading about generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder has made me depressed all weekend.

I really thought that I'd start classes (which are every day except Friday) and my depression would go away. I think that's what my husband thought too because he was so behind the whole thing and now whenever I show the least bit of apprehension he gets all nervous and exasperated. God, if it was that easy to get rid of depression, everyone would be signing up at their local community college.

I have to admit, it's good when I'm there. I'm not alone anyway. It's these weekends when I have to do all the housework, the kids and the studying that things get a bit overwhelming.

It's at these times that I obsess about getting away. I start hating my house, my body, this town. I dream about those poppy fields and I want to be with my other self out there on the open road... she is searching for a better way. She wants to see if the desert has a healing effect like she hears it does. She wants to walk in that sand with bare feet in a sundress. She wants to see the west. What will happen to my Poppy? Will the wicked witch of the west catch up with her? I don't know. Poppy is trying to start her own website on the road-- posting in coffee shops and wherever she can pick up a signal. I wonder where she is now and I wish I was with her.

To Your Dreams,

Jen