It's been a while

I know I've been gone since Jan. 11th, but I have a good excuse. It's February and I have been in the hospital twice. I guess I haven't been able to use my skills from DBT very well-- you know, mindfulness and other skills I will discuss later.

My problem now is depression. I have been deep down in it and trying to fight it this past month. The weather doesn't help (a seasonal thing) and I have been confined to my four walls for so long that I can't stand it any more.

You saw a better me when I was taking belly dancing lessons and when I talked about my "red tent," but this month I let all that go. I hibernated and didn't sign up for any classes or write here or visit my red tent. Then I went to visit my mother and the wicked witch reared her head once more.

First let me talk about my hopitalizations. Since my major problem was depression, I was given an antidepressant (which they are very careful about for someone who is bipolar). They also gave me something for the visions I was having of that same man (did I talk about him?) who shows himself sometimes. I'm back home now and it's my plan to keep up with this blog more-- is daily too ambitious? I decided to write here today because I had to visit crisis yesterday with more feelings of deep depression. My husband stayed home today to "keep an eye on me"...

I've decided I don't want to die. It would be too much for my family. I just  want to be able to live this life without so much pain.

DBT Therapy

Since my last post, I sank into a depression once again and I think that I just kind of shut down once the girls were out of school and the fear set in. I am so scared that I will be a bad parent and that my illness will hinder my relationship with the girls that I get totally overwhelmed.

After speaking with my psychiatrist and my counselor, I realized that the best route for me to take is DBT therapy. This means that I changed my therapist and I will be seeing her once a week. In August, I will start the group work which will be two hours once a week. So, that is a total of three hours a week in therapy! If that doesn't work, I don't really know what to do.

I'm going to share some websites with you about DBT and maybe a few forums and such once I've done the research.

Oh-- before I go, I'd like to explain how I connect this website with certain aspects of the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale goes from a life that she thinks is boring and unfair to this fantasy land that seems to have so much to offer. After an exciting adventure, Dorothy finds out that she always had everything she needed at home and the power to get that all back was with her the whole time. I also have a connection with the field of poppies, because, like me they are frail and yet they have a dark side. I'm not sure if I've always been this way, but I know that these two parts of me have existed since adolescence.

Check back soon for updates.

Jen

Overcoming Resistance to Change

I realize from the last meeting with my counselor that I need to find some methods for overcoming resistance to change. Let me back up a little so that you'll understand. I think that a lot of my troubles come from the rut I've gotten in -- thinking that I am "bipolar" and "depressed" and forgetting that I could change. From moment to moment my feelings and personal truth could change. Depression and bipolar are not all that I am... I am a mother, a wife, a woman, a student (now), an animal lover, a book lover, a writer...and many other things. I guess my point is that all I have been concentrating on are the mental illness parts of my life and not the parts of my life that could bring me the happiness I so desire. It has taken me a lot of hard work and time to even realize that I was resistant to change, or even that I needed to change, but thanks to my counselor and some of my own soul searching, I have actually come up with a few methods of overcoming resistance to change.

• Meditation (for even a short time) at least three times a week. Check out Guided Meditation Practices for the Mindful Way Through Depression-- a great CD.
• Creating a support group of at least three or four people that you can trust and go to in times of need-- even just a quick email helps.
• Read books like Chicken Soup for the Soul-- even if you think they are dorky-- with your morning coffee to get off to a good start.
• Try to remember and make a list of things that used to interest you and somehow bring them back into your life.
• No matter what happens, just remember to breathe and remember that the next moment could be totally different.

I hope these few suggestions will help if you are having difficulty overcoming resistance to change. I know they are helping me.

Positive vibes,

Jen

Back After Surviving Depression

Wow, you wouldn't believe what I've been through in the past three months...I don't know if you could see my gradual fall into depression, but once I fell, that was it. I went to my counselor one day feeling suicidal and after telling her my thoughts, she rushed me into her car and drove me to the nearest hospital. As you can see, I have survived this bout with depression, but so much has gone into my recovery. As you know, bipolar disorder has an up and down cycle and I was just headed to that down after my psychotic episode. I was two terms into my program when this depressive episode occurred and I had to go to a mental hospital for two weeks.

My doctors there came to the conclusion that I needed electroconvulsive shock therapy and I have been having the ECT treatments for about two months now. Between that and a change in my meds, I feel as if my life is totally turning around and I am finally finding that balance I have never had. That ol' Wicked Witch can't get my ruby slippers-- I know that now. I am back in school and I'm happy.

All of these experiences have really taught me how to survive a depression and how to deal with bipolar disorder in general. Many positive things have come into my life, like the book and DVD The Secret, a new perspective on life in general, and a desire to share my knowledge with others.
First, I would suggest taking a Bipolar quiz to see if you suffer from this disorder:

Bipolar Quiz-- keep track of the following symptoms that you have experienced:

• Abnormal or excessive elation-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Unusual irritability
• Decreased need for sleep
• Grandiose notions-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Increased talking
• Racing thoughts
• Increased sexual desire
• Markedly increased energy
• Poor judgement
• Inappropriate social behavior
• Undue mood swings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Recless spending of money
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• At least one episode of depression (required)
  

To obtain the results of this bipolar quiz, count the number of symptoms that you have experienced. You must have experienced at least ten of these symptoms (along with at least one episode of depression) to conclude that you may indeed suffer from bipolar disorder, or, manic depression. If you do come to this conclusion, please contact a psychiatrist and set up an appointment as soon as possible.

I'd like to address the issue of how to survive a depression now...

When you experience an episode of depression, life is bleak you really don't want to survive...you want to die. Deep down, your focus is on the bad, sad, dark parts of life and with this focus, it is impossible to pull yourself out of depression. My advise is to start small. I'm not asking for miracles. I know what it's like-- I've been through it a number of times-- it's not something you can just find a magic cure for. So, start small. Here are some suggestions:

Write down one thing you're grateful for.

• Find a picture of something you really want.
• Look at some old photographs of better times.
• Buy a cup of flavored coffee or tea.
• Rent a funny movie.
• Go to a place like the mall, sit down and just watch people.
• Call a friend.
• Drive to a really nice place, like the ocean, sit in your car and just look at the view.
• Listen to your favorite song.
• Go to an animal shelter and spend some time with the animals.
• Take a walk.

Just pick one of my suggestions as a starting point. At the same time, make sure that you are seeing a counselor/psychiatrist and that your loved ones know that your having a hard time. Don't allow yourself to go through depression alone.

All The Best,

Jen