What Now?

My mood has changed very fast. I went from feeling better than I have in a long time to teetering on the brink of depression.  I had a treatment on Friday then went on a vacation (camping). Now I'm home and feeling down. I had group yesterday and felt like crying through half of it for no apparent reason.  I also had a headache all day. Now today I'm terrified that the phone will ring (this is a problem I have from time to time) and my head aches again.

I'm scared that the old Wicked Witch will rear her ugly head again. I'm sure that part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been able to exercise the past few days. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

I just feel cut off from things-- I really can't describe it. After feeling so good for quite a few weeks, I don't know where to turn with these uncomfortable feelings. I'm trying to use the tools that I am learning from group-- breathing and using my senses to distract from these rotten feelings.

Part of my issues has to do with the way my family has been relating to me lately. My children have said things to me numerous times about the fact that I don't work. Daddy makes the money, Mommy doesn't earn anything. I applied for a job and Ryan said, "You would get your life back." I asked him if he thought I didn't have a life. Of course he backtracked, but the damage was done. I feel like my family doesn't think I'm worth much of anything and maybe they're right.

I so wish that this blog would make some money. That I could make it more interesting and popular somehow. I'm reading the book, Julie & Julia, by Julie Powell. This woman made a blog out of her project to cook every recipe out of Julia Child's Mastering the Art of  French Cooking. This blog became a book and then a movie.  I don't expect that much achievement, but I wish I could think of a way to make my blog more popular. I guess these things just happen and all I can do is hope.

I really just want people to understand Bipolar Disorder better and to know they are not alone.

I went to group yesterday and we made a collaborative collage as a mindfulness activity. I felt okay when I went there, but as I was driving home I started to feel grumpy and upset...I thought about having my treatment Fri. and I obsessed over snapping at my girls before school. I was hungry too so I stopped at Walmart to get something to eat at Dunkin Donuts (multigrain bagel with lowfat cream cheese) and I felt a little better.

It's hard to be mindful when we've run out of water in our house (5 days so far) and it's almost 100 degrees. We are supposed to go camping this weekend and I have a treatment on Friday. Where is the JOY? We've been learning about distress tolerance in group and using certain skills to distract us from our stress. We had to use at least one skill a day for a week. It did help a bit to refocus my mind onto something like TV or reading or to hold some ice (a shock to the senses). The trick is to get yourself to do it. You have to ask yourself-- how important is it to feel better? I need to keep asking myself that.

It always makes me feel better to find/talk about something that I'm interested in. I heard about this great book on the TODAY show that is about a woman who loses her job and spends about a year at home addicted to reality TV shows. It sounds awesome, especially since I am enthralled with two particular reality shows-- WIFE SWAP and TRADING SPOUSES. If you haven't watched these shows, they are about women who change places with each other and find out how it is to be the wife/mother in a new family. It is so interesting to see these people living in a family that is basically the opposite of her own. So, anyway, I plan to read this new book:

Maybe you should read it too and tell me what you think...

I've Been Thinking...

So, it's been a while and there are a lot of reasons why I haven't been here.  Since my last post I was in the hospital and since I've been home I haven't wanted to think about my illness any more than I need to. I'm forced to think about it often, though, because I am having frequent ECT treatments. I really debated sharing about my treatments on this website because I didn't want too many people knowing about them . However, in the last few days I have realized that sharing my experiences might help people better understand ECT.

There seem to be many preconceived ideas about ECT treatments and the people who get them. It was hard for me at first, too, because the people I usually see at the hospital are old and senile-- not young and coherent like I am. However, once and a while I will see a patient who is similar to me and I try to concentrate on them.

I will tell you what the usual experience is like for me. I get to the hospital fairly early in the morning-- I am now going every other week. I am shown into a special section of the surgery and the nurses give me a warm blanket as I arrive at my bed.  The nurses are very sweet and non-judgemental. A nurse will set up my IV once I am settled in. I am given a quiz so that they can make sure I'm not loosing too much memory. Soon after the quiz, I am wheeled into the operation room. The anesthesiologist speaks to me for a second to make sure he has the correct medication for me. After this, I am given the oxygen and the anesthesiologist gives me my medication through the IV. I fall asleep. According to the doctor, the actual treatment lasts about 2 minutes. In total, I am asleep for about 10 minutes. I wake up and my first thought is, 'when am I going to fall asleep?'... Then I realize that the whole thing is over. My husband comes to get me and the nurse helps me to a wheel chair-- I'm a bit dizzy. I'm wheeled to my car and my husband drives home. For the rest of the day I lay down because I'm headachy and a little dizzy. By nighttime, I feel much better and I next day I'm back to normal. I do experience a bit of memory loss, but it isn't significant.

Overall, this is not a scary event. I don't feel a thing and I only have to rest for one day. The thing about these ECT treatments is that they work and I really haven't felt this good in a very long time. I'm rational and happy in my everyday life and I don't regret having them. My message is that if your doctor suggests ECT treatments, don't immediately run the other way... they might work for you the way they do for me.

I will be giving updates on my treatments and other aspects of my life from now on. I'll also offer information about emotional wellness and life in general. Remember to take moments for mindfulness-- take time for yourself!

First, I would like to give you a chance to practice mindfulness. There is this great website that has free streaming radio and you can listen to any kind of music you like. It's called Pandora. Get in a quiet place and play some soothing music for about 5-10 minutes.

Today I'm doing some research about bipolar disorder and nutrition. I just found some interesting information on a website about a holistic approach to treating the disease. They say:

"Has anyone from the medical profession looked at the effects of diet and nutrition on individuals with manic depressive disorder? The answer is that some have. Dr. James F. Balch and Phyllis A. Balch, summarize this research and provide diet and vitamin and supplement information for manic depressives. Among other recommendations, they suggest a diet free of sugar, dairy products, alcohol, soda and caffeine. Whole grains, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, beans, and legumes are encouraged."

 This sounds daunting to me...how will I wake up without my coffee in the morning? (I could hardly write that)

I knew that my diet was probably effecting me, but I didn't realize how much. One thing I liked about this website--even though it concentrates on holistic approaches--it doesn't advise using no meds. I know that meds are a must for most of us. Sometimes I have a hard time with that concept and I want to just stop taking them because I still feel bad, but then I wonder how much worse things might get.

At another helpful website is  called Organized Wisdom. They give the top sites that discuss nutrition and bipolar disorder. I like the website Food for the Brain. There is a lot of interesting information at that website for mental health and food in general.

SO, that is my discussion about how food effects bipolar disorder.

As far as I go, the past few days have been kind of painful. I know that it has to do with PMS and now I realize I should have visited my Red Tent.  I have been so depressed that even going into my red tent didn't sound appealing. Nothing did. This makes me really scared for the future. Is it going to be like this (or worse) every month? And even when PMS comes to an end I don't feel too peppy.

I just started taking Wellbutrin (sp?) a few weeks ago in the hospital and it doesn't seem to be working. I just feel like no matter where I am, I can't be or feel happy. I tell my therapist and Psychiatrist this and they don't seem to think it's a big problem given my history. They're just scared that I'll have another manic episode. Sometimes I wish I would feel manic-- maybe I'd be more happy. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree.

I just wish this would all end. Maybe I need some mindfulness.

It's been a while

I know I've been gone since Jan. 11th, but I have a good excuse. It's February and I have been in the hospital twice. I guess I haven't been able to use my skills from DBT very well-- you know, mindfulness and other skills I will discuss later.

My problem now is depression. I have been deep down in it and trying to fight it this past month. The weather doesn't help (a seasonal thing) and I have been confined to my four walls for so long that I can't stand it any more.

You saw a better me when I was taking belly dancing lessons and when I talked about my "red tent," but this month I let all that go. I hibernated and didn't sign up for any classes or write here or visit my red tent. Then I went to visit my mother and the wicked witch reared her head once more.

First let me talk about my hopitalizations. Since my major problem was depression, I was given an antidepressant (which they are very careful about for someone who is bipolar). They also gave me something for the visions I was having of that same man (did I talk about him?) who shows himself sometimes. I'm back home now and it's my plan to keep up with this blog more-- is daily too ambitious? I decided to write here today because I had to visit crisis yesterday with more feelings of deep depression. My husband stayed home today to "keep an eye on me"...

I've decided I don't want to die. It would be too much for my family. I just  want to be able to live this life without so much pain.

Happy News

British 7-Yr-Old Boy Paints Like Old Master

I'm looking for "happy news" and I found this on the net while surfing around. Can you believe the talent this 7-year-old boy has? We need to keep in mind that anything is possible.

A New Year-- A New Approach

Since I started DBT, I have realized that dwelling on the "illness" side of my personality is not exactly healthy. So I have decided to write about things that I am interested in-- things that you may find interesting and things that are healing to the soul. I want to suggest books to read, blogs and websites to check out and thoughts to ponder.

Lately, I've been branching out into the "public sector" and trying to find a job. I'm on a substitute teaching list and I just interviewed for a Literacy Ed Tech position yesterday. I'm crossing my fingers for that one. Any positive thoughts or prayers you can give me would be greatly appreciated. If it doesn't work out, I hope to have the will to keep plugging along applying for other positions. My problem is that it's been so long since I've worked. I haven't kept up with the latest jargon or anything. I hope they can see through that to my willingness to learn. We'll see.

For my first "mindfulness" exercise for you all, I suggest going out and blowing some bubbles, drawing with crayons (that smell!) or playing with playdoh-- do something that you did in your childhood!  It will soothe you, trust me.  This is some thing I did in one of my DBT sessions and I loved it.

Enjoy,

Jen

So, how was belly dancing?

Well, I did it and belly dancing was great! The other women there were pretty much just like me and I really had nothing to be scared about. I brought a pretty scarf of Kayla's with me, but then this week I went out and bought an authentic belly dancing scarf complete with jingles. Watch out people!

I'm feeling much better now overall and, as I said before, the red tent idea really helped me during that hard time. I would still suggest it to anyone.

I would also suggest taking a belly dancing class!

Namaste

Jen

Dancing my cares away

You may not believe it, but I have signed up for belly dancing lessons. This was done as a way to search myself and do something that bring out a more happy-go-lucky side out. SO tonight is the first class and I'll report back soon to talk about how it went. My therapist thought it was a good idea and she was actually proud of me.

There are other things I would like to try, but this is no. 1

Jen

The Red Tent-- An Interpretation

I am knee-deep in the DBT therapy, which is working great and I would suggest (shout) to anyone with a personality disorder to please check this out. While the DBT is working, I am still at odds with myself during a certain time of the month...PMS...and since I have been tracking it, I realize that my hormones have a huge impact on my mental state. I am in the throws of it right now.

I was at my wit's end on Tuesday, walking my dog, and then it hit me like lightening. The Red Tent (by Anita Diamant). This is a book that every woman should read, based on Genesis and the character Rachel. The premise of the book, though, is that during the womens monthly cycle, they would stay together in a Red Tent. In this tent the women were able to get away from usual duties and life and just BE a WOMAN.

So, I decided that I needed my own red tent. I'm lucky because I happen to have an old Day Care building on my property (one of my failed business ventures) and I am using it for a red tent of sorts during my worse days of PMS. My wonderful husband is very understanding and he doesn't mind if I stay in here a couple of nights while he takes care of things. Actually, he likes the "red tent" idea.

I have set up a space for my bed with red sheets and spiritual pictures/figurines. There is a table covered with a black lace veil and an incense burner. There is a table on which I can do "mindfulness" activities, such as putting a puzzle together or coloring a mendala. I can also watch the movies I like to watch and I indulge myself with some yummy treat.

Any woman can do this and you don't need an entire building. Whether you have an extra room, part of a basement that could be fixed up, or just part of your bedroom that you could personalize, making a red tent is something you could do for yourself. If it's in your bedroom, I suggest kicking your significant other out for the night. Light some candles, take a bubble bath, meditate...do anything and everything you need to just get you through those few hard days.

I'm so excited about my idea that I have decided to collect things for my red tent-- one or two things a month. This will be a fun hobby for me and I'll always be on the hunt! I hope someone reads this and gets as excited and relieved as I am now.

DBT Therapy

Since my last post, I sank into a depression once again and I think that I just kind of shut down once the girls were out of school and the fear set in. I am so scared that I will be a bad parent and that my illness will hinder my relationship with the girls that I get totally overwhelmed.

After speaking with my psychiatrist and my counselor, I realized that the best route for me to take is DBT therapy. This means that I changed my therapist and I will be seeing her once a week. In August, I will start the group work which will be two hours once a week. So, that is a total of three hours a week in therapy! If that doesn't work, I don't really know what to do.

I'm going to share some websites with you about DBT and maybe a few forums and such once I've done the research.

Oh-- before I go, I'd like to explain how I connect this website with certain aspects of the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale goes from a life that she thinks is boring and unfair to this fantasy land that seems to have so much to offer. After an exciting adventure, Dorothy finds out that she always had everything she needed at home and the power to get that all back was with her the whole time. I also have a connection with the field of poppies, because, like me they are frail and yet they have a dark side. I'm not sure if I've always been this way, but I know that these two parts of me have existed since adolescence.

Check back soon for updates.

Jen

Overcoming Resistance to Change

I realize from the last meeting with my counselor that I need to find some methods for overcoming resistance to change. Let me back up a little so that you'll understand. I think that a lot of my troubles come from the rut I've gotten in -- thinking that I am "bipolar" and "depressed" and forgetting that I could change. From moment to moment my feelings and personal truth could change. Depression and bipolar are not all that I am... I am a mother, a wife, a woman, a student (now), an animal lover, a book lover, a writer...and many other things. I guess my point is that all I have been concentrating on are the mental illness parts of my life and not the parts of my life that could bring me the happiness I so desire. It has taken me a lot of hard work and time to even realize that I was resistant to change, or even that I needed to change, but thanks to my counselor and some of my own soul searching, I have actually come up with a few methods of overcoming resistance to change.

• Meditation (for even a short time) at least three times a week. Check out Guided Meditation Practices for the Mindful Way Through Depression-- a great CD.
• Creating a support group of at least three or four people that you can trust and go to in times of need-- even just a quick email helps.
• Read books like Chicken Soup for the Soul-- even if you think they are dorky-- with your morning coffee to get off to a good start.
• Try to remember and make a list of things that used to interest you and somehow bring them back into your life.
• No matter what happens, just remember to breathe and remember that the next moment could be totally different.

I hope these few suggestions will help if you are having difficulty overcoming resistance to change. I know they are helping me.

Positive vibes,

Jen

What Does it All Mean?

I'm beginning to realize that it's not about the shoes and it's not about the journey that Dorothy took in them. It's all about reality... you can't get away from it no matter how hard you try and there are doubts and obstacles in the way no matter what you do. I have tried everything and it has always come down to me and how I deal with reality. Let me just say-- I don't seem to deal with it very well. If things don't go the way I want them to, I feel like crying and I get depressed. Since I can't really control anything, that makes life kind of hard. I look to other people in my life to get me out of this... to make me feel better... to save me from myself. They inevitably let me down because that's not exactly a reasonable expectation. But how am I supposed to do this myself? How am I supposed to remain happy in the face of disappointment and fear of the unknown?

The question is, does mental illness really exist, or is it just a result of a person's way to deal with life? Does the medication help or is it just a daily reminder of my problems? Lately I just feel like giving up most of the time. I get myself to a place where I'm doing well then one thing can happen and I'll be back down in this dark hole again. Am I controlling that? It's hard for me to believe that I am. Maybe I'm a control freak and when things go awry I freak out and don't know what to do with myself or my feelings. At this moment, I just want to disappear. I feel like I have no control over my life and I want to do something that gives me the feeling of control. In the past, I would have taken an overdose, thrown a fit or done something of that nature. Now I'm just at a loss for what to do. I don't want to go to the hospital and have my stomach pumped. I don't want to get in a shouting match with my husband. I don't want to put my girls through another one of my "episodes". So what do I do? How do I take control? I think the lack of control comes from relying on my husband for just about everything and having no real social life outside of my own home. I'm going to school, but that is not really a matter of control-- it's more of a distraction.

So, what does it all mean? I think Dorothy realized that fantasy and reality aren't that different from one another. There are always obstacles. What does that mean for me? I guess I just have to find a way to deal with it. No matter what people try to do to help me, I end up feeling this way. I thought that once I got out of my parent's house, I would be free, but that's not the case. It's all inside of me and no one can change me.

Jen

Back After Surviving Depression

Wow, you wouldn't believe what I've been through in the past three months...I don't know if you could see my gradual fall into depression, but once I fell, that was it. I went to my counselor one day feeling suicidal and after telling her my thoughts, she rushed me into her car and drove me to the nearest hospital. As you can see, I have survived this bout with depression, but so much has gone into my recovery. As you know, bipolar disorder has an up and down cycle and I was just headed to that down after my psychotic episode. I was two terms into my program when this depressive episode occurred and I had to go to a mental hospital for two weeks.

My doctors there came to the conclusion that I needed electroconvulsive shock therapy and I have been having the ECT treatments for about two months now. Between that and a change in my meds, I feel as if my life is totally turning around and I am finally finding that balance I have never had. That ol' Wicked Witch can't get my ruby slippers-- I know that now. I am back in school and I'm happy.

All of these experiences have really taught me how to survive a depression and how to deal with bipolar disorder in general. Many positive things have come into my life, like the book and DVD The Secret, a new perspective on life in general, and a desire to share my knowledge with others.
First, I would suggest taking a Bipolar quiz to see if you suffer from this disorder:

Bipolar Quiz-- keep track of the following symptoms that you have experienced:

• Abnormal or excessive elation-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Unusual irritability
• Decreased need for sleep
• Grandiose notions-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Increased talking
• Racing thoughts
• Increased sexual desire
• Markedly increased energy
• Poor judgement
• Inappropriate social behavior
• Undue mood swings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Recless spending of money
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• At least one episode of depression (required)
  

To obtain the results of this bipolar quiz, count the number of symptoms that you have experienced. You must have experienced at least ten of these symptoms (along with at least one episode of depression) to conclude that you may indeed suffer from bipolar disorder, or, manic depression. If you do come to this conclusion, please contact a psychiatrist and set up an appointment as soon as possible.

I'd like to address the issue of how to survive a depression now...

When you experience an episode of depression, life is bleak you really don't want to survive...you want to die. Deep down, your focus is on the bad, sad, dark parts of life and with this focus, it is impossible to pull yourself out of depression. My advise is to start small. I'm not asking for miracles. I know what it's like-- I've been through it a number of times-- it's not something you can just find a magic cure for. So, start small. Here are some suggestions:

Write down one thing you're grateful for.

• Find a picture of something you really want.
• Look at some old photographs of better times.
• Buy a cup of flavored coffee or tea.
• Rent a funny movie.
• Go to a place like the mall, sit down and just watch people.
• Call a friend.
• Drive to a really nice place, like the ocean, sit in your car and just look at the view.
• Listen to your favorite song.
• Go to an animal shelter and spend some time with the animals.
• Take a walk.

Just pick one of my suggestions as a starting point. At the same time, make sure that you are seeing a counselor/psychiatrist and that your loved ones know that your having a hard time. Don't allow yourself to go through depression alone.

All The Best,

Jen

Off to see the Wizard

If this school thing works out, then I guess it's almost my time to face the wizard. I feel as if I already faced him once as I went through the mania and depression. He asked me to fetch the wicked witch's broom stick and with the help of my family, I have made the effort. Maybe I should look at it as if my work for becoming a medical assistant is the quest for the wicked witch's broom stick. Once I pass all of these classes and do my practice work in out in the medical field, I will defeat the witch and have the broom stick in hand. This is a long, hard road. I have those flying monkeys to look forward to and the guards-- who I thought were the most scary part of the movie. But even they were not loyal to the wicked witch. They wanted good to prevail.

I can't tell you how scared I am. There are tests every day in these classes and I'm terrified to fail. I feel like failing this would be failing life. I'm just at the point in my life where I've had my kids, raised them (and that was my focus), and now I'm out on the other end needing to reinvent myself.

The bipolar part of myself wants to run away and start fresh with no ties and nothing to hold me back. I want to stop my meds and get back to that woman who felt larger than life, who could do anything, who did so much and had so much energy. Who was 20 pounds lighter. Why did she have to go away...this disease is cruel. This disease is the wicked witch herself and I want to melt her down to the ground.


To a New Life,

Jen

Emerald City?

I chose door number 2... I have started classes at Seacoast career school and I'm studying to be a medical assistant. I have just finished my second week and I'm already feeling those qualms. Is this what I should be doing? Is it me? My background is in liberal arts. I have a Master's degree in Education. Now I'm going to a trade school. I'm not saying that it's not good enough for me, it's just really different. The classes are hard for me. Memorizing medical terms and learning how to take vital signs. This is all a foreign land.

Right now I'm learning about the nervous system and reading about generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder has made me depressed all weekend.

I really thought that I'd start classes (which are every day except Friday) and my depression would go away. I think that's what my husband thought too because he was so behind the whole thing and now whenever I show the least bit of apprehension he gets all nervous and exasperated. God, if it was that easy to get rid of depression, everyone would be signing up at their local community college.

I have to admit, it's good when I'm there. I'm not alone anyway. It's these weekends when I have to do all the housework, the kids and the studying that things get a bit overwhelming.

It's at these times that I obsess about getting away. I start hating my house, my body, this town. I dream about those poppy fields and I want to be with my other self out there on the open road... she is searching for a better way. She wants to see if the desert has a healing effect like she hears it does. She wants to walk in that sand with bare feet in a sundress. She wants to see the west. What will happen to my Poppy? Will the wicked witch of the west catch up with her? I don't know. Poppy is trying to start her own website on the road-- posting in coffee shops and wherever she can pick up a signal. I wonder where she is now and I wish I was with her.

To Your Dreams,

Jen

Poppies. poppies

That wicked old witch is rearing her head and flying around like a bat outta hell. The poppy fields of oblivion look so good to me and I just want to get away. Better my alter ego do that... follow her for more fun.

Right now it looks like my options are: sign up at a community college to learn a trade because they will help me get a job after the training, try to find a job on my own or with the help of some career service (there is one locally), stay home and pursue making money on the Internet somehow. How? Any ideas? Write a book, which will take at least a year and which will bring in no money. Okay yellow brick road... where are you leading me?

If after following this road and getting to the emerald city, dealing with cranky ol' Oz and finding out it's just the shoes after all, if after all this I end up in this same state of mind, maybe it really is time to get the hell out of Kansas.


Poppy Field Dreams,

Jen

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Everything that happened with the power and such put me in a wirlwind... I haven't been able to get into any sort of schedule (not good for someone with bipolar disorder) and I just feel kind of lost-- took a step off the yellow brick road. Let me tell you, there are no red apples over here.

When I get like this, all I want to do is run away. Since becoming a wife and mother, this is not an option. My counselor asked if I could make a change that would feel just a freeing and I can't think of any. She helped me realize that I'm in a new phase in my life and I kind of need to figure out what to do with it. The girls are both in school now and I'm just home all day. Sometimes I have the willpower to stick to a schedule, but most of the time I'm overwhelmed. I'm beginning to think it's time for me to get a job. I would have done this a while ago, but I'm terrified.

I'm scared I'll settle into a job and my mania or depression will come back. I'm scared of just trying to get a job and hitting road-blocks. I have no references left-- either retired or wouldn't give a good reference.

So I wonder-- what does someone like me do to get a job? What do ex-convicts do? What do mentally ill people do? What about people who were out of the workforce for a long period of time? Something to research I guess!!

Oops, holiday guests here-- go to go.

Holiday Wishes,

Jen

It Was a Dime

Spirit?

My husband is mad a me for writing my last post. I guess you have to be careful what you question God about. Talking about signs and coincidences, we got hit with a terrible ice storm and went two days without power. I still don't have phone, cable or Internet, so here I sit at the library sending out a quick entry. I think that God can do whatever He wants to do and here we sit trying to figure it all out.

A kind of funny story-- it all happened when I started a blog entry about signs... As I was researching, I found a story called, "It's a Penny, Mama." Soon after completing my entry, my daughter tells me that she put a penny up her nose. We had to go to the emergency room-- they had to call in an ear, nose and throat specialist. We found out it was a dime. Like apples to oranges. It's the same in life. We think one thing is happening or going to happen but we don't really know. Perception is everything. I perceive that no one is reading this blog and I hope I'm wrong.

For today, no research... I don't want others to wait for this computer. Just don't give up on me. I've heard that our Internet will be back up tomorrow... but who knows? It could be a dime.

If I Only Had Some Courage

Mind/Spirit

I tried and I tried to write here yesterday, but nothing gave me the power to do it. I searched through other bipolar websites and just left feel like mine is so different and boring that no one would want to read it (not a good start). Yes, I am bipolar, and I have had my share of crazy, manic times, but I'm trying to be a more steady person and I guess that's boring. Some things I read would make your hair curl. But I wonder... what are these people doing to achieve that balance of a more manageable life? It's exciting to go out drinking and dancing all night, having sex with multiple partners, cheating on our spouses, etc. I guess. In the big picture, though, what results does that behavior bring? I certainly could crack under this pressure of loneliness and boredom and get in my car and drive... I'm simply a wife and mother of two who wants to build as much stability as possible to keep things together. My biggest fear is hurting my girls. They mean the world to me. My husband has sacrificed so much for me and my illness that I don't want to put him through anything else.

Today is a totally down day for me because my mom went home and I'm alone again. I stay home all day while my girls are at school and my husband is at work. I messed up so many times on the career front, that there are few if any prospects for me out there right now. I can't get disability because I didn't work enough years and because my husband has a job. To be honest, I'm looking at this blog as my job right now... If I can just be productive for a good part of the day I feel better. If I can combine that with researching aspects of mental illness, that's even better.


The problem is that yesterday and today, I haven't felt interested in ANYTHING and this scares me.

If anyone is reading out there and would be willing to suggest a topic, I would be so grateful. It would be such a gift to know that I'm addressing issues of interest to others.

Something a bit interesting that happened to me yesterday: I was riding with my mom on a shopping trip (her type of therapy) and I was thinking about my lack of interest in writing this blog. Suddenly I noticed the car in front of me had a license plate that read: Write On ! Hmmmmmmm.... Then later, in the car again, I was feeling down and I notices the car in front of us had another vanity license plate: folwgod after a minute I realized it said: follow God. The cynic in me said, just a coincidence, but something else in me wanted to believe that God was trying to send some comfort. Do you believe in signs from God, etc.? Angels? Maybe I can do a little piece on that today.

I've done a search on "signs from God Universe", "Miracles", "Miracle Stories", and like my story, I find that things happen to people and the reaction depends on a person's perspective. While one person could find a penny sitting on the ground, pick it up and throw it back down again, another person could find a penny and look at it as a sign or blessing. There are so many explanations for each moment in our lives. A person with bipolar disorder can take it one step further and believe that everything is a sign, or that there is a conspiracy in the universe against him. I remember thinking that everything green had a significance in my life (this caused many problems-- I apologize to the security guard who was eating a green lollipop).

I was hoping this research would be uplifting-- that the stories would make me hopeful-- but I'm left with a deflated feeling. I just don't know what to believe.