Back After Surviving Depression

Wow, you wouldn't believe what I've been through in the past three months...I don't know if you could see my gradual fall into depression, but once I fell, that was it. I went to my counselor one day feeling suicidal and after telling her my thoughts, she rushed me into her car and drove me to the nearest hospital. As you can see, I have survived this bout with depression, but so much has gone into my recovery. As you know, bipolar disorder has an up and down cycle and I was just headed to that down after my psychotic episode. I was two terms into my program when this depressive episode occurred and I had to go to a mental hospital for two weeks.

My doctors there came to the conclusion that I needed electroconvulsive shock therapy and I have been having the ECT treatments for about two months now. Between that and a change in my meds, I feel as if my life is totally turning around and I am finally finding that balance I have never had. That ol' Wicked Witch can't get my ruby slippers-- I know that now. I am back in school and I'm happy.

All of these experiences have really taught me how to survive a depression and how to deal with bipolar disorder in general. Many positive things have come into my life, like the book and DVD The Secret, a new perspective on life in general, and a desire to share my knowledge with others.
First, I would suggest taking a Bipolar quiz to see if you suffer from this disorder:

Bipolar Quiz-- keep track of the following symptoms that you have experienced:

• Abnormal or excessive elation-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Unusual irritability
• Decreased need for sleep
• Grandiose notions-- feelings of undue power and self-importance
• Increased talking
• Racing thoughts
• Increased sexual desire
• Markedly increased energy
• Poor judgement
• Inappropriate social behavior
• Undue mood swings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Recless spending of money
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• At least one episode of depression (required)
  

To obtain the results of this bipolar quiz, count the number of symptoms that you have experienced. You must have experienced at least ten of these symptoms (along with at least one episode of depression) to conclude that you may indeed suffer from bipolar disorder, or, manic depression. If you do come to this conclusion, please contact a psychiatrist and set up an appointment as soon as possible.

I'd like to address the issue of how to survive a depression now...

When you experience an episode of depression, life is bleak you really don't want to survive...you want to die. Deep down, your focus is on the bad, sad, dark parts of life and with this focus, it is impossible to pull yourself out of depression. My advise is to start small. I'm not asking for miracles. I know what it's like-- I've been through it a number of times-- it's not something you can just find a magic cure for. So, start small. Here are some suggestions:

Write down one thing you're grateful for.

• Find a picture of something you really want.
• Look at some old photographs of better times.
• Buy a cup of flavored coffee or tea.
• Rent a funny movie.
• Go to a place like the mall, sit down and just watch people.
• Call a friend.
• Drive to a really nice place, like the ocean, sit in your car and just look at the view.
• Listen to your favorite song.
• Go to an animal shelter and spend some time with the animals.
• Take a walk.

Just pick one of my suggestions as a starting point. At the same time, make sure that you are seeing a counselor/psychiatrist and that your loved ones know that your having a hard time. Don't allow yourself to go through depression alone.

All The Best,

Jen

Off to see the Wizard

If this school thing works out, then I guess it's almost my time to face the wizard. I feel as if I already faced him once as I went through the mania and depression. He asked me to fetch the wicked witch's broom stick and with the help of my family, I have made the effort. Maybe I should look at it as if my work for becoming a medical assistant is the quest for the wicked witch's broom stick. Once I pass all of these classes and do my practice work in out in the medical field, I will defeat the witch and have the broom stick in hand. This is a long, hard road. I have those flying monkeys to look forward to and the guards-- who I thought were the most scary part of the movie. But even they were not loyal to the wicked witch. They wanted good to prevail.

I can't tell you how scared I am. There are tests every day in these classes and I'm terrified to fail. I feel like failing this would be failing life. I'm just at the point in my life where I've had my kids, raised them (and that was my focus), and now I'm out on the other end needing to reinvent myself.

The bipolar part of myself wants to run away and start fresh with no ties and nothing to hold me back. I want to stop my meds and get back to that woman who felt larger than life, who could do anything, who did so much and had so much energy. Who was 20 pounds lighter. Why did she have to go away...this disease is cruel. This disease is the wicked witch herself and I want to melt her down to the ground.


To a New Life,

Jen

Emerald City?

I chose door number 2... I have started classes at Seacoast career school and I'm studying to be a medical assistant. I have just finished my second week and I'm already feeling those qualms. Is this what I should be doing? Is it me? My background is in liberal arts. I have a Master's degree in Education. Now I'm going to a trade school. I'm not saying that it's not good enough for me, it's just really different. The classes are hard for me. Memorizing medical terms and learning how to take vital signs. This is all a foreign land.

Right now I'm learning about the nervous system and reading about generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder has made me depressed all weekend.

I really thought that I'd start classes (which are every day except Friday) and my depression would go away. I think that's what my husband thought too because he was so behind the whole thing and now whenever I show the least bit of apprehension he gets all nervous and exasperated. God, if it was that easy to get rid of depression, everyone would be signing up at their local community college.

I have to admit, it's good when I'm there. I'm not alone anyway. It's these weekends when I have to do all the housework, the kids and the studying that things get a bit overwhelming.

It's at these times that I obsess about getting away. I start hating my house, my body, this town. I dream about those poppy fields and I want to be with my other self out there on the open road... she is searching for a better way. She wants to see if the desert has a healing effect like she hears it does. She wants to walk in that sand with bare feet in a sundress. She wants to see the west. What will happen to my Poppy? Will the wicked witch of the west catch up with her? I don't know. Poppy is trying to start her own website on the road-- posting in coffee shops and wherever she can pick up a signal. I wonder where she is now and I wish I was with her.

To Your Dreams,

Jen

Poppies. poppies

That wicked old witch is rearing her head and flying around like a bat outta hell. The poppy fields of oblivion look so good to me and I just want to get away. Better my alter ego do that... follow her for more fun.

Right now it looks like my options are: sign up at a community college to learn a trade because they will help me get a job after the training, try to find a job on my own or with the help of some career service (there is one locally), stay home and pursue making money on the Internet somehow. How? Any ideas? Write a book, which will take at least a year and which will bring in no money. Okay yellow brick road... where are you leading me?

If after following this road and getting to the emerald city, dealing with cranky ol' Oz and finding out it's just the shoes after all, if after all this I end up in this same state of mind, maybe it really is time to get the hell out of Kansas.


Poppy Field Dreams,

Jen

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Everything that happened with the power and such put me in a wirlwind... I haven't been able to get into any sort of schedule (not good for someone with bipolar disorder) and I just feel kind of lost-- took a step off the yellow brick road. Let me tell you, there are no red apples over here.

When I get like this, all I want to do is run away. Since becoming a wife and mother, this is not an option. My counselor asked if I could make a change that would feel just a freeing and I can't think of any. She helped me realize that I'm in a new phase in my life and I kind of need to figure out what to do with it. The girls are both in school now and I'm just home all day. Sometimes I have the willpower to stick to a schedule, but most of the time I'm overwhelmed. I'm beginning to think it's time for me to get a job. I would have done this a while ago, but I'm terrified.

I'm scared I'll settle into a job and my mania or depression will come back. I'm scared of just trying to get a job and hitting road-blocks. I have no references left-- either retired or wouldn't give a good reference.

So I wonder-- what does someone like me do to get a job? What do ex-convicts do? What do mentally ill people do? What about people who were out of the workforce for a long period of time? Something to research I guess!!

Oops, holiday guests here-- go to go.

Holiday Wishes,

Jen

It Was a Dime

Spirit?

My husband is mad a me for writing my last post. I guess you have to be careful what you question God about. Talking about signs and coincidences, we got hit with a terrible ice storm and went two days without power. I still don't have phone, cable or Internet, so here I sit at the library sending out a quick entry. I think that God can do whatever He wants to do and here we sit trying to figure it all out.

A kind of funny story-- it all happened when I started a blog entry about signs... As I was researching, I found a story called, "It's a Penny, Mama." Soon after completing my entry, my daughter tells me that she put a penny up her nose. We had to go to the emergency room-- they had to call in an ear, nose and throat specialist. We found out it was a dime. Like apples to oranges. It's the same in life. We think one thing is happening or going to happen but we don't really know. Perception is everything. I perceive that no one is reading this blog and I hope I'm wrong.

For today, no research... I don't want others to wait for this computer. Just don't give up on me. I've heard that our Internet will be back up tomorrow... but who knows? It could be a dime.

If I Only Had Some Courage

Mind/Spirit

I tried and I tried to write here yesterday, but nothing gave me the power to do it. I searched through other bipolar websites and just left feel like mine is so different and boring that no one would want to read it (not a good start). Yes, I am bipolar, and I have had my share of crazy, manic times, but I'm trying to be a more steady person and I guess that's boring. Some things I read would make your hair curl. But I wonder... what are these people doing to achieve that balance of a more manageable life? It's exciting to go out drinking and dancing all night, having sex with multiple partners, cheating on our spouses, etc. I guess. In the big picture, though, what results does that behavior bring? I certainly could crack under this pressure of loneliness and boredom and get in my car and drive... I'm simply a wife and mother of two who wants to build as much stability as possible to keep things together. My biggest fear is hurting my girls. They mean the world to me. My husband has sacrificed so much for me and my illness that I don't want to put him through anything else.

Today is a totally down day for me because my mom went home and I'm alone again. I stay home all day while my girls are at school and my husband is at work. I messed up so many times on the career front, that there are few if any prospects for me out there right now. I can't get disability because I didn't work enough years and because my husband has a job. To be honest, I'm looking at this blog as my job right now... If I can just be productive for a good part of the day I feel better. If I can combine that with researching aspects of mental illness, that's even better.


The problem is that yesterday and today, I haven't felt interested in ANYTHING and this scares me.

If anyone is reading out there and would be willing to suggest a topic, I would be so grateful. It would be such a gift to know that I'm addressing issues of interest to others.

Something a bit interesting that happened to me yesterday: I was riding with my mom on a shopping trip (her type of therapy) and I was thinking about my lack of interest in writing this blog. Suddenly I noticed the car in front of me had a license plate that read: Write On ! Hmmmmmmm.... Then later, in the car again, I was feeling down and I notices the car in front of us had another vanity license plate: folwgod after a minute I realized it said: follow God. The cynic in me said, just a coincidence, but something else in me wanted to believe that God was trying to send some comfort. Do you believe in signs from God, etc.? Angels? Maybe I can do a little piece on that today.

I've done a search on "signs from God Universe", "Miracles", "Miracle Stories", and like my story, I find that things happen to people and the reaction depends on a person's perspective. While one person could find a penny sitting on the ground, pick it up and throw it back down again, another person could find a penny and look at it as a sign or blessing. There are so many explanations for each moment in our lives. A person with bipolar disorder can take it one step further and believe that everything is a sign, or that there is a conspiracy in the universe against him. I remember thinking that everything green had a significance in my life (this caused many problems-- I apologize to the security guard who was eating a green lollipop).

I was hoping this research would be uplifting-- that the stories would make me hopeful-- but I'm left with a deflated feeling. I just don't know what to believe.