First, I would like to give you a chance to practice mindfulness. There is this great website that has free streaming radio and you can listen to any kind of music you like. It's called Pandora. Get in a quiet place and play some soothing music for about 5-10 minutes.

Today I'm doing some research about bipolar disorder and nutrition. I just found some interesting information on a website about a holistic approach to treating the disease. They say:

"Has anyone from the medical profession looked at the effects of diet and nutrition on individuals with manic depressive disorder? The answer is that some have. Dr. James F. Balch and Phyllis A. Balch, summarize this research and provide diet and vitamin and supplement information for manic depressives. Among other recommendations, they suggest a diet free of sugar, dairy products, alcohol, soda and caffeine. Whole grains, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, beans, and legumes are encouraged."

 This sounds daunting to me...how will I wake up without my coffee in the morning? (I could hardly write that)

I knew that my diet was probably effecting me, but I didn't realize how much. One thing I liked about this website--even though it concentrates on holistic approaches--it doesn't advise using no meds. I know that meds are a must for most of us. Sometimes I have a hard time with that concept and I want to just stop taking them because I still feel bad, but then I wonder how much worse things might get.

At another helpful website is  called Organized Wisdom. They give the top sites that discuss nutrition and bipolar disorder. I like the website Food for the Brain. There is a lot of interesting information at that website for mental health and food in general.

SO, that is my discussion about how food effects bipolar disorder.

As far as I go, the past few days have been kind of painful. I know that it has to do with PMS and now I realize I should have visited my Red Tent.  I have been so depressed that even going into my red tent didn't sound appealing. Nothing did. This makes me really scared for the future. Is it going to be like this (or worse) every month? And even when PMS comes to an end I don't feel too peppy.

I just started taking Wellbutrin (sp?) a few weeks ago in the hospital and it doesn't seem to be working. I just feel like no matter where I am, I can't be or feel happy. I tell my therapist and Psychiatrist this and they don't seem to think it's a big problem given my history. They're just scared that I'll have another manic episode. Sometimes I wish I would feel manic-- maybe I'd be more happy. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree.

I just wish this would all end. Maybe I need some mindfulness.

It's been a while

I know I've been gone since Jan. 11th, but I have a good excuse. It's February and I have been in the hospital twice. I guess I haven't been able to use my skills from DBT very well-- you know, mindfulness and other skills I will discuss later.

My problem now is depression. I have been deep down in it and trying to fight it this past month. The weather doesn't help (a seasonal thing) and I have been confined to my four walls for so long that I can't stand it any more.

You saw a better me when I was taking belly dancing lessons and when I talked about my "red tent," but this month I let all that go. I hibernated and didn't sign up for any classes or write here or visit my red tent. Then I went to visit my mother and the wicked witch reared her head once more.

First let me talk about my hopitalizations. Since my major problem was depression, I was given an antidepressant (which they are very careful about for someone who is bipolar). They also gave me something for the visions I was having of that same man (did I talk about him?) who shows himself sometimes. I'm back home now and it's my plan to keep up with this blog more-- is daily too ambitious? I decided to write here today because I had to visit crisis yesterday with more feelings of deep depression. My husband stayed home today to "keep an eye on me"...

I've decided I don't want to die. It would be too much for my family. I just  want to be able to live this life without so much pain.

Happy News

British 7-Yr-Old Boy Paints Like Old Master

I'm looking for "happy news" and I found this on the net while surfing around. Can you believe the talent this 7-year-old boy has? We need to keep in mind that anything is possible.

A New Year-- A New Approach

Since I started DBT, I have realized that dwelling on the "illness" side of my personality is not exactly healthy. So I have decided to write about things that I am interested in-- things that you may find interesting and things that are healing to the soul. I want to suggest books to read, blogs and websites to check out and thoughts to ponder.

Lately, I've been branching out into the "public sector" and trying to find a job. I'm on a substitute teaching list and I just interviewed for a Literacy Ed Tech position yesterday. I'm crossing my fingers for that one. Any positive thoughts or prayers you can give me would be greatly appreciated. If it doesn't work out, I hope to have the will to keep plugging along applying for other positions. My problem is that it's been so long since I've worked. I haven't kept up with the latest jargon or anything. I hope they can see through that to my willingness to learn. We'll see.

For my first "mindfulness" exercise for you all, I suggest going out and blowing some bubbles, drawing with crayons (that smell!) or playing with playdoh-- do something that you did in your childhood!  It will soothe you, trust me.  This is some thing I did in one of my DBT sessions and I loved it.

Enjoy,

Jen

So, how was belly dancing?

Well, I did it and belly dancing was great! The other women there were pretty much just like me and I really had nothing to be scared about. I brought a pretty scarf of Kayla's with me, but then this week I went out and bought an authentic belly dancing scarf complete with jingles. Watch out people!

I'm feeling much better now overall and, as I said before, the red tent idea really helped me during that hard time. I would still suggest it to anyone.

I would also suggest taking a belly dancing class!

Namaste

Jen

Dancing my cares away

You may not believe it, but I have signed up for belly dancing lessons. This was done as a way to search myself and do something that bring out a more happy-go-lucky side out. SO tonight is the first class and I'll report back soon to talk about how it went. My therapist thought it was a good idea and she was actually proud of me.

There are other things I would like to try, but this is no. 1

Jen

The Red Tent-- An Interpretation

I am knee-deep in the DBT therapy, which is working great and I would suggest (shout) to anyone with a personality disorder to please check this out. While the DBT is working, I am still at odds with myself during a certain time of the month...PMS...and since I have been tracking it, I realize that my hormones have a huge impact on my mental state. I am in the throws of it right now.

I was at my wit's end on Tuesday, walking my dog, and then it hit me like lightening. The Red Tent (by Anita Diamant). This is a book that every woman should read, based on Genesis and the character Rachel. The premise of the book, though, is that during the womens monthly cycle, they would stay together in a Red Tent. In this tent the women were able to get away from usual duties and life and just BE a WOMAN.

So, I decided that I needed my own red tent. I'm lucky because I happen to have an old Day Care building on my property (one of my failed business ventures) and I am using it for a red tent of sorts during my worse days of PMS. My wonderful husband is very understanding and he doesn't mind if I stay in here a couple of nights while he takes care of things. Actually, he likes the "red tent" idea.

I have set up a space for my bed with red sheets and spiritual pictures/figurines. There is a table covered with a black lace veil and an incense burner. There is a table on which I can do "mindfulness" activities, such as putting a puzzle together or coloring a mendala. I can also watch the movies I like to watch and I indulge myself with some yummy treat.

Any woman can do this and you don't need an entire building. Whether you have an extra room, part of a basement that could be fixed up, or just part of your bedroom that you could personalize, making a red tent is something you could do for yourself. If it's in your bedroom, I suggest kicking your significant other out for the night. Light some candles, take a bubble bath, meditate...do anything and everything you need to just get you through those few hard days.

I'm so excited about my idea that I have decided to collect things for my red tent-- one or two things a month. This will be a fun hobby for me and I'll always be on the hunt! I hope someone reads this and gets as excited and relieved as I am now.