Poppies. poppies

That wicked old witch is rearing her head and flying around like a bat outta hell. The poppy fields of oblivion look so good to me and I just want to get away. Better my alter ego do that... follow her for more fun.

Right now it looks like my options are: sign up at a community college to learn a trade because they will help me get a job after the training, try to find a job on my own or with the help of some career service (there is one locally), stay home and pursue making money on the Internet somehow. How? Any ideas? Write a book, which will take at least a year and which will bring in no money. Okay yellow brick road... where are you leading me?

If after following this road and getting to the emerald city, dealing with cranky ol' Oz and finding out it's just the shoes after all, if after all this I end up in this same state of mind, maybe it really is time to get the hell out of Kansas.


Poppy Field Dreams,

Jen

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Everything that happened with the power and such put me in a wirlwind... I haven't been able to get into any sort of schedule (not good for someone with bipolar disorder) and I just feel kind of lost-- took a step off the yellow brick road. Let me tell you, there are no red apples over here.

When I get like this, all I want to do is run away. Since becoming a wife and mother, this is not an option. My counselor asked if I could make a change that would feel just a freeing and I can't think of any. She helped me realize that I'm in a new phase in my life and I kind of need to figure out what to do with it. The girls are both in school now and I'm just home all day. Sometimes I have the willpower to stick to a schedule, but most of the time I'm overwhelmed. I'm beginning to think it's time for me to get a job. I would have done this a while ago, but I'm terrified.

I'm scared I'll settle into a job and my mania or depression will come back. I'm scared of just trying to get a job and hitting road-blocks. I have no references left-- either retired or wouldn't give a good reference.

So I wonder-- what does someone like me do to get a job? What do ex-convicts do? What do mentally ill people do? What about people who were out of the workforce for a long period of time? Something to research I guess!!

Oops, holiday guests here-- go to go.

Holiday Wishes,

Jen

It Was a Dime

Spirit?

My husband is mad a me for writing my last post. I guess you have to be careful what you question God about. Talking about signs and coincidences, we got hit with a terrible ice storm and went two days without power. I still don't have phone, cable or Internet, so here I sit at the library sending out a quick entry. I think that God can do whatever He wants to do and here we sit trying to figure it all out.

A kind of funny story-- it all happened when I started a blog entry about signs... As I was researching, I found a story called, "It's a Penny, Mama." Soon after completing my entry, my daughter tells me that she put a penny up her nose. We had to go to the emergency room-- they had to call in an ear, nose and throat specialist. We found out it was a dime. Like apples to oranges. It's the same in life. We think one thing is happening or going to happen but we don't really know. Perception is everything. I perceive that no one is reading this blog and I hope I'm wrong.

For today, no research... I don't want others to wait for this computer. Just don't give up on me. I've heard that our Internet will be back up tomorrow... but who knows? It could be a dime.

If I Only Had Some Courage

Mind/Spirit

I tried and I tried to write here yesterday, but nothing gave me the power to do it. I searched through other bipolar websites and just left feel like mine is so different and boring that no one would want to read it (not a good start). Yes, I am bipolar, and I have had my share of crazy, manic times, but I'm trying to be a more steady person and I guess that's boring. Some things I read would make your hair curl. But I wonder... what are these people doing to achieve that balance of a more manageable life? It's exciting to go out drinking and dancing all night, having sex with multiple partners, cheating on our spouses, etc. I guess. In the big picture, though, what results does that behavior bring? I certainly could crack under this pressure of loneliness and boredom and get in my car and drive... I'm simply a wife and mother of two who wants to build as much stability as possible to keep things together. My biggest fear is hurting my girls. They mean the world to me. My husband has sacrificed so much for me and my illness that I don't want to put him through anything else.

Today is a totally down day for me because my mom went home and I'm alone again. I stay home all day while my girls are at school and my husband is at work. I messed up so many times on the career front, that there are few if any prospects for me out there right now. I can't get disability because I didn't work enough years and because my husband has a job. To be honest, I'm looking at this blog as my job right now... If I can just be productive for a good part of the day I feel better. If I can combine that with researching aspects of mental illness, that's even better.


The problem is that yesterday and today, I haven't felt interested in ANYTHING and this scares me.

If anyone is reading out there and would be willing to suggest a topic, I would be so grateful. It would be such a gift to know that I'm addressing issues of interest to others.

Something a bit interesting that happened to me yesterday: I was riding with my mom on a shopping trip (her type of therapy) and I was thinking about my lack of interest in writing this blog. Suddenly I noticed the car in front of me had a license plate that read: Write On ! Hmmmmmmm.... Then later, in the car again, I was feeling down and I notices the car in front of us had another vanity license plate: folwgod after a minute I realized it said: follow God. The cynic in me said, just a coincidence, but something else in me wanted to believe that God was trying to send some comfort. Do you believe in signs from God, etc.? Angels? Maybe I can do a little piece on that today.

I've done a search on "signs from God Universe", "Miracles", "Miracle Stories", and like my story, I find that things happen to people and the reaction depends on a person's perspective. While one person could find a penny sitting on the ground, pick it up and throw it back down again, another person could find a penny and look at it as a sign or blessing. There are so many explanations for each moment in our lives. A person with bipolar disorder can take it one step further and believe that everything is a sign, or that there is a conspiracy in the universe against him. I remember thinking that everything green had a significance in my life (this caused many problems-- I apologize to the security guard who was eating a green lollipop).

I was hoping this research would be uplifting-- that the stories would make me hopeful-- but I'm left with a deflated feeling. I just don't know what to believe.

Silver Bells

Spirit

I attended my first bipolar group meeting last night-- which in and of itself was a big let down. It's funny though because the thing that made me mad about it kind of sparked this post today. Our ice-breaker was to talk about our favorite band or song (mine is The Police~Sting~Every Breath You Take). Well the ice-breaker ended up taking an HOUR of our meeting time. After that, two people were able to discuss some problems, but that was it. Between that and sitting next to two people who were sharing their lollipops (multiple times), I was ready to go home.


Now today I sit here listening to the holiday music channel and I'm reminded of something someone said in the meeting: a song can change your mood. This is very true. Listening to holiday music lifts my spirits a bit and makes me think of Christmas. If I listened to Sting, I'd remember going to his concert (yea!) and how awesome it was. As I said the other day, relaxation music can be beneficial.


Listening to music and the effect it has on a person is quite spiritual in nature. Positive, upbeat or relaxing music can send a warm feeling through your body, quicken or slow your heartbeat and regulate your breathing. Music can put life into perspective.


On another note (ha), I'm having a sort of rough day today. My meds have changed (again) and I'm battling a migraine. Luckily, my mom is visiting and she has helped with my housework and with the girls. The big challenge is that my daughter is in a Christmas concert tonight and I have to make cookies for it. Just love those big school functions! For all these reasons, this post won't be overly involved. I'm just going to add some links to good music websites for your listening pleasure...


Jango -- a web-radio where you can listen to any type of music for free.


AOL Music -- offers free holiday music radio-style.


Origen Music -- free relaxation music-- good for the spirit.


Stay warm in Spirit,

Jen

Eat to Feel Better?

Body

One thing I know-- Lithium is making me fat. And I crave sweets. I feel no resistance to these cravings and I appear to be gaining weight fast. All this prompted me to search the net for some information on diet and bipolar disorder.

As a side note, it's lucky that I did this at all because I've been in a very down mood over the past few days. I have also been forgetting a lot of important information which makes me nervous. Anyway, about the diet...

I rooted through the garbage that google spewed forth for my search and found article from three good sources. All sources emphasized the importance of a good, balanced diet for people suffering from bipolar disorder. Most sources explained that certain foods can be harmful for people with bp and that there are nutrients that some consider a miracle when added to a bp diet.

I found this reference to a book, Prescription for Nutritional Healing by James F. Balch, M.D. and Phyllis A. Balch, C.NC. From the article, A Holistic Approach for Treating Manic Depressive Disorders by Daniel T. Moore, Ph.D. Copyrighted 1998 :

Among other recommendations, they suggest a diet free of sugar, dairy products, alcohol, soda and caffeine. Whole grains, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, beans, and legumes are encouraged. According to Dr. and Mrs. Balch, whitefish and turkey should be eaten twice a week. Our clients have agreed that much caffeine and sugar can start a mild manic episode.


I think that this book is worth checking out for its in-depth look at nutrition for people with bipolar disorder.

Free of sugar!!! AHHHHH.... I don't know how I'm going to do this...

The following suggestions were made at the bipolar-lives website:

*Eat enough protein, especially low fat protein such as fish, lean meat, poultry and/or alternatives.

* Eat plenty of vegetables, especially leafy greens with folate.

*Be disciplined and restrict cereals (including breads, rice, pasta and noodles), and preferably eat wholegrain.

*Eat fresh fruit, but in moderation.

*Replace unhealthy fats with omegas, especially omega-3

*Limit your alcohol intake if you choose to drink.

*A good multi-vitamin (research shows they really can help bipolar people), and the three proven bipolar supplements of (1) Fish Oil, (2) Folic Acid, and (3) Inositol are your best bets. (Also see inositol side effects.)

There was a lot of good information here. I do need to add a multivitamin to my daily pill supply... ugh more pills...

When I was reading this it made me think of the South Beach (or similar) diet. Well, lo and behold, the next website I checked (about.com) had an article about using the South Beach diet to treat bipolar disorder.


Hey-- I have that book-- maybe I'll take it out of the cobwebs again.

Before I sign off, I'd like to suggest another book that has a similar diet to South beach, but it also addresses exercise-- something else we all need. The Best Life Diet by Bob Green-- seen on Oprah. Another book to dust off!

Positive Thoughts to All,

Jen

Clean out the Cobwebs

Mind

As I search for information on depression and negative thinking, I find way too many headlines saying "help yourself"...Now I know that the mind is a powerful thing and that people with depression have more power than they think they do. HOWEVER when you're in the depths of despair, the last thing you want is someone telling you, "come on, just pull yourself up by the bootstraps." Let me tell you, this does not help!

If I had the ability to just up and feel better, I would. Some days I pray to just feel "normal" (whatever that is).

What's my point here? I am really looking for a way to combat negative thinking-- something effective beyond the methods I already know. So far my search has come up short. Let me share with you the methods that I have learned from various sources in the past:

*Opposite action-- even if you don't feel like doing something, do it anyway (take that walk, get out of bed, do the dishes)-- you'll feel better in the long run.

*Concentrate on one of your senses-- listen to loud music, take a hot bath, look at a pretty flower, smell a lemon, eat a bowl of icecream or some hot salsa.

*Concentrate on an affirmation that will take your mind off the negative thoughts.

These are just a few suggestions, but they don't always work. For instance, I'm having a very hard time today and just writing this almost seems like a joke to me, but I know these methods do help me sometimes, so I want to share them.

New Format

Since I believe that mental health can only be obtained by holistic means, I have decided to touch upon the three major components to a healthy person: mind, body and spirit. I find that if my mind is not centered, then I can't accomplish anything. Similarly, if my body is ailing or my spirit is suffering, my whole life gets thrown off balance. It's so easy to concentrate on one aspect of our lives and just let the others anguish...however, it will catch up to us. For instance, if I sit at my computer and work all day without stopping to eat lunch or stretch my muscles, the work that I am trying to do will lack substance.

I think it's especially hard for a person with mental illness to keep this balance. It is so easy to get caught up in worrying about the inner-workings of the mind.

In my search for the shiny red shoes, I plan to take a holistic look at my life-- maybe looking at the big picture will keep me on the yellow brick road...

Mind, Body, Spirit

Mind

Yesterday I was visiting the forum at Wing of Madness and came across an interesting discussion- though a simple concept, it caught my interest. As a person with depression/bipolar disorder, what morning routine or schedule are you able to have? You can read the discussion by clicking the link. Here's my routine:

A lot of people talked about getting enough sleep, and that's something I struggle with. I've been taking ambien an hour before bed (about 8pm) lately, but I want to stop doing that. I wake up every morning feeling sluggish and headachy...

So, anyway, I get up around 7am and have coffee if it's made (or make it if its gone). I try to relax for about 1o mins. before dragging the girls out of bed. They need to be at the bus stop by 8:20am. SO I get them up, find them some clothes in my jumble of laundry, make them breakfast, force them to brush their hair, and maybe eat a bit of toast with peanut butter before running them down to the bus stop with the dog in tow. I get back up at home around 8:30am. Sometimes I finish my coffee and eat at this time. By 9am I take a shower and dress. Sometimes in the midst of all this, I go down in the basement and feed the animals and put in a load of laundry. Lately I have tried to be on the computer working by 9:30. Wow, after writing this down, I can see that my morning is way too disorganized. Not good for the mind!

I guess there are a lot of things I could do at night that would make my mornings run smoother. The biggest help would be to get the girls' clothes layed out.

Write down your morning routine-- could it use some work? Maybe throw some soothing music in there somewhere!


Body

I'm taking a number of medications right now and they all have some annoying side effects. The Lithium that I take causes acne and I just can't stand it anymore. I've decided to find something to solve-- or at least help-- this problem. In the next few weeks I am going to try the new neutrogena skin care system (Skin ID). I'll let you know how it works for me. Supposedly you can customize the system to your own needs. We'll see.
Spirit

I decided to search around today for some ideas on a good entry for "spirit"... It quickly became clear to me that prayer and meditation are central to a healthy spirit. I tried to be open-minded by gaining insight from bot Buddhist and Christian sources...

Depression- a Buddhist view

If there is a remedy when trouble strikes,
What reason is there for despondency?
And if there is no help for it,
What is the use of being sad?

So come what may, I'll never harm
My cheery happiness of mind.
Depression never brings me what I want;
My virtue will be warped and marred by it.


There are a lot of interesting theories and views on depression according to Buddhist teachings on this website. I'm not sure if I agree with some of them, because I come from a Christian background, but the idea that depression stems from the ego is an interesting notion. I really don't like to think that I'm depressed simply because I'm selfish and obsessessed with my own thoughts. However, there is a certain amount of negitive introspection when dealing with depression. I find myself checing up on how I'm "feeling"-- how am I "feeling" today? Sometimes a simple headcold can become a bad day. I really can convince myself that I'm sad when I just might be sick, or something else out of my control gets twisted around in my head into a depressive mood. Hey-- maybe I don't always have to be depressed...

Another point that rings true in this webpage is the positive effect of concentrating on the things that are right and good in a person's life. Writing a list of blessings, or "things I'm grateful for," puts life into perspective and gives a depressed person a positive place to start. It might be a good idea to do this while drinking morning coffee-- start the day on the right foot.

If, like me, you come from a more Christian perspective, you might enjoy the following prayer as a morning meditation:

THE SERENITY PRAYER

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

AMEN

I found a great Christian website for people suffering with mental illnes, or other afflictions. This site reminds us, in Psalm 34:18 we read, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Relax

I just can't seem to relax! As I researched the topic "relaxation" I stumbled upon a great resource that I'd like to share with you. I've never really gotten into watching You Tube, but I just came across some relaxation videos-- including hypnosis and nature photography. I sampled two of these videos and found them of high quality. Quite relaxing!

Try this out:



Something to think about:

"When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing - just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle or children playing in the park?"
Ralph Marston

"Tension is who you think you should be.
Relaxation is who you are."
Chinese Proverb

"Create a collection of music to help you relax and feel good.
Make a tape of those songs that make you smile to help you unwind."
Matt Clarkson

Shiny Red Shoes

I have been told the story about my outburst in a department store numerous times. I wanted a pair of red Mary Jane's in the worst way. Since my mother recently bought me a pair of shoes, I certainly couldn't have these. I'm sure I threw myself on the floor in a fit of rage--my face glowing the same red as the shoes. If I know myself at all, I know that those shiny red shoes represented a possibility. Maybe if I just had those shoes, I would be happy and content. Well, no matter how many pairs of shiny red shoes (or whatever) I obtain, that feeling of contentedness, that happiness, that elevated state of being eludes me still.

I recently discovered that I have bipolar disorder and I suppose this diagnosis puts a few things into perspective, but it certainly doesn't change or solve anything. I'm still on my search for that pair of shiny red shoes that will make everything better. Dorothy found hers.

I know we learn from Dorothy that happiness lies in appreciating what we have. For me, the ability to do this is clouded by the disease I have.

This blog will record my search for those shiny red shoes... my ability to appreciate my own little farm in Kansas-- or, in my case, my little cape cod in Maine. I truly want to enjoy life with my husband and my children. I want to look forward to taking my dog for a walk. Everything seems like drudgery right now. Anyone suffering from mental illness knows what I'm talking about. I learned of my disorder 7 months ago. I currently have been suffering from depression for 4 months. I have been put on and taken off countless medicines and I have taken off and put back on 15 pounds. One step forward and two steps back -- those elusive shiny red shoes...