If I Only Had Some Courage

Mind/Spirit

I tried and I tried to write here yesterday, but nothing gave me the power to do it. I searched through other bipolar websites and just left feel like mine is so different and boring that no one would want to read it (not a good start). Yes, I am bipolar, and I have had my share of crazy, manic times, but I'm trying to be a more steady person and I guess that's boring. Some things I read would make your hair curl. But I wonder... what are these people doing to achieve that balance of a more manageable life? It's exciting to go out drinking and dancing all night, having sex with multiple partners, cheating on our spouses, etc. I guess. In the big picture, though, what results does that behavior bring? I certainly could crack under this pressure of loneliness and boredom and get in my car and drive... I'm simply a wife and mother of two who wants to build as much stability as possible to keep things together. My biggest fear is hurting my girls. They mean the world to me. My husband has sacrificed so much for me and my illness that I don't want to put him through anything else.

Today is a totally down day for me because my mom went home and I'm alone again. I stay home all day while my girls are at school and my husband is at work. I messed up so many times on the career front, that there are few if any prospects for me out there right now. I can't get disability because I didn't work enough years and because my husband has a job. To be honest, I'm looking at this blog as my job right now... If I can just be productive for a good part of the day I feel better. If I can combine that with researching aspects of mental illness, that's even better.


The problem is that yesterday and today, I haven't felt interested in ANYTHING and this scares me.

If anyone is reading out there and would be willing to suggest a topic, I would be so grateful. It would be such a gift to know that I'm addressing issues of interest to others.

Something a bit interesting that happened to me yesterday: I was riding with my mom on a shopping trip (her type of therapy) and I was thinking about my lack of interest in writing this blog. Suddenly I noticed the car in front of me had a license plate that read: Write On ! Hmmmmmmm.... Then later, in the car again, I was feeling down and I notices the car in front of us had another vanity license plate: folwgod after a minute I realized it said: follow God. The cynic in me said, just a coincidence, but something else in me wanted to believe that God was trying to send some comfort. Do you believe in signs from God, etc.? Angels? Maybe I can do a little piece on that today.

I've done a search on "signs from God Universe", "Miracles", "Miracle Stories", and like my story, I find that things happen to people and the reaction depends on a person's perspective. While one person could find a penny sitting on the ground, pick it up and throw it back down again, another person could find a penny and look at it as a sign or blessing. There are so many explanations for each moment in our lives. A person with bipolar disorder can take it one step further and believe that everything is a sign, or that there is a conspiracy in the universe against him. I remember thinking that everything green had a significance in my life (this caused many problems-- I apologize to the security guard who was eating a green lollipop).

I was hoping this research would be uplifting-- that the stories would make me hopeful-- but I'm left with a deflated feeling. I just don't know what to believe.