Shiny Red Shoes

I have been told the story about my outburst in a department store numerous times. I wanted a pair of red Mary Jane's in the worst way. Since my mother recently bought me a pair of shoes, I certainly couldn't have these. I'm sure I threw myself on the floor in a fit of rage--my face glowing the same red as the shoes. If I know myself at all, I know that those shiny red shoes represented a possibility. Maybe if I just had those shoes, I would be happy and content. Well, no matter how many pairs of shiny red shoes (or whatever) I obtain, that feeling of contentedness, that happiness, that elevated state of being eludes me still.

I recently discovered that I have bipolar disorder and I suppose this diagnosis puts a few things into perspective, but it certainly doesn't change or solve anything. I'm still on my search for that pair of shiny red shoes that will make everything better. Dorothy found hers.

I know we learn from Dorothy that happiness lies in appreciating what we have. For me, the ability to do this is clouded by the disease I have.

This blog will record my search for those shiny red shoes... my ability to appreciate my own little farm in Kansas-- or, in my case, my little cape cod in Maine. I truly want to enjoy life with my husband and my children. I want to look forward to taking my dog for a walk. Everything seems like drudgery right now. Anyone suffering from mental illness knows what I'm talking about. I learned of my disorder 7 months ago. I currently have been suffering from depression for 4 months. I have been put on and taken off countless medicines and I have taken off and put back on 15 pounds. One step forward and two steps back -- those elusive shiny red shoes...